5 Things I Observed While Not Watching The Grammys

The Grammys happened last night. Even though the sum total of people who are actually affected by the Grammys were physically in attendance, they still broadcast them out to the rest of us so that the firey light of the best musical talent on the planet (America) could cast your shifting, empty shadows on the wall behind your couch. I was unable to, and completely uninterested in, watching them, so I happily watched my Twitter feed chew at the edges of the awards ceremony. I did this partly because I was at work, but mostly because the Grammys are hilariously irrelevant and out of touch, and I am much more interested in hearing people talk about them than actually watching them.

Isn’t there anything you miss about actually watching the Grammys?

There are usually at least two worthwhile live performances, and I’ll admit that watching those unfold live and without commentary or prior knowledge is a treat that I missed out on. Everything will eventually make it onto YouTube though and I can see Hozier have his boring ass handed to him by Annie Lennox.

“Take Me To Church” is immediately gripping, but only slightly less immediately tiresome. Lennox stomps right in and demonstrates what the track is missing. It is missing Annie Lennox.

Is there any genre that you care enough about to pay attention to?

There sure is, guiding voice in my head! The Best Rock/Metal Performance Grammy is, to me, the epitome of the utter out-of-touchness of whoever it is who votes on these things, and has been at least since they honored Jethro Tull over Nirvana. First of all, if you can’t tell the difference between heavy rock and metal than you have listened to neither genre since the mid-70s. Second of all, they nominated two tracks from a goddamn tribute album, one of them not from a proper metal band and encompassing all of the first two tracks of that album. Did they listen past the first two tracks? Certainly not. I suspect that maintaining more than 10 minutes of consciousness at a time is difficult for Grammy voters.

Honestly, only major labels submit their stuff, and no major label has been within spitting distance of a truly relevant metal act since nu-metal died down. What I’m saying is that they probably didn’t have that many options available to them, but I must believe that they could have found 4 tracks from four different albums, and at least three that weren’t from a tribute album.

And who won? Fucking Tenacious D, the aforementioned not-even-a-metal-band. I like Tenacious D. The track is legitimately good, and Jack Black has a voice absolutely made for a Dio tribute album. It’s just, as good as the track is I can’t help but look around and think they could have found something better.

For the record, this is what Norway gave their version of a Grammy to:




Why was everyone happy that Iggy Azaela did not win any Grammys? I liked that “Fancy” song.

Because watching terrible people getting crushed is gratifying. She’s racist, homophobic and generally even more narcissistic than your average pop star. Her album was also mediocre and it got nominated for lord only knows what reason (just kidding, it’s because she’s white and nobody feels threatened when she says she’ll shoot somebody).

What did Kanye do this year?!

Almost the same thing he did to Taylor Swift! He pretended to storm the stage when Beck won the award for Album of the Year, but turned back at the last second, getting a good laugh out of Jay-Z and his wife, the Ruler Of All That She Surveys.

And then he ruined everything by opening his big, fat mouth after the show was over. He’d made his point clear, and it was hilarious. That little bit of restraint put him in complete control. When asked about it after the show he beat the whole thing into the ground, and just… Look, Kanye, we all understood. We all agreed with you. You didn’t have to tell us how right you were. Let yourself make a damn joke instead of turning it all into a harangue.

So Beyonce didn’t win?

Nope, and she should have. For one thing, Beck thinks so, and that seems like pretty good evidence. But she also brought us an album as a modern event and succeeded. She seamlessly redefined what a huge budget album can be. It was kept a near-complete secret. There was a video for every track, and it was the same level of excellent that all of her music apparently is. We could be sitting safely in 2015 shaking our heads at the contrived, overreaching bluster we were willing to accept in 2014, but instead we’re all nodding along like it all makes perfect sense, like that wasn’t a huge fucking deal. She made a huge move look utterly natural, and kept the whole thing a surprise. If that doesn’t make it Album of the Year I really don’t know what does.

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